Mother in Laws.....

Today, I'm going to attempt the surface on a very difficult (and large) topic.

Mum in-laws (MIL)

We often hear in society a whole lot of jokes around this topic.  Has anyone noticed that the jokes are usually ALWAYS about the husband's relationship with his mum in law (his wife's mother) - and how "terrible" she is or similar?

You don't hear much about the often difficult relationship that a wife has with her mum in law (her husband's mother).

Guys - don't stop reading.  This is valuable to you - and there are tips at the bottom for you too!

What qualifies me to talk about this topic you ask?

1. I am a wife of almost four years
2. My mother in law and I have not always seen eye to eye
3. I believe there is more to the daughter/mother in law relationship than an ongoing struggle or battle for the affections of the MIM (male in the middle), than regular offending and never really talking things out.
4. My own mother has set a good example in this area.

The family I married into.... :D

Before I go on, I must tell you what my relationship with my MIL is now.  I love her.  Almost to the degree that I love my own mother.  I have confided in her on numerous occasions, and gone to her when I couldn't even tell my own mum things.  We openly share things from our hearts, we talk about marriage, about children, about life struggles.  We see each other on the same page.  We help each other.  She is my best teacher on how to bottle/preserve/save money with meals and conventional old fashioned house-wifey things.  We have prioritised seeing each other (without the hubster) at least once a week for a few hours - and this is truly one of the highlights of my week.  She is a beautiful woman. 

Disclaimer: there are two (or more) sides to every story.  This is only my version.  My MIL has a story too - and I'm sure I have done and said many things in which she too, has had to "hold her breath" (you will later discover what I mean).


My story:
My MIL raised four children, my husband, being the oldest.  She was a protective mother (who isn't) and did an excellent job at raising children who are a real credit to her.  However, some of her parenting was done out of fear.  She feared her children all leaving her - she tried to keep them young even when they were well and truly adults in their own right.  Out of her own personal battle, she had struggled with relationships with other women - especially "strong" or what I call confident women. 

Her experience in her own marriage - was that her and her husband and their children, had most to do with her family, and very little to do with their paternal family.  She had three boys first - so the fear was only enhanced that she would "lose" her boys and have virtually nothing to do with them for their adult lives.

She got married at 32.  She had not considered that her children may marry earlier in life than this.

spot the brothers....

In the midst of the first two of her children growing older and 'leaving' home, along came me.  The first-ever girlfriend.  David (20), had an eye on me for a couple of years.


We began dating when I was 19.  It was all a bit of a whirlwind, but through a good deal of circumstances and some wise words from some close people, I was set on this man being my husband.  Everything seemed fine.  We shared dinners with his family, I got to know his grandparents etc and everything appeared to be great.

Then he proposed.

What I was absent to, was that he had not discussed this with his parents.  He grew up in a Christian home, he honoured his parents and had a good relationship with his mum.  But he did not tell them he was going to propose.

I smelt a bit of a rat upon their reaction the next day - but was none the wiser.  I also had to keep our engagement a secret for the whole day! (a very difficult task for me!!)

Two weeks later, and for me, the very first time - I discovered that his parents were not happy with our relationship, let alone our impending marriage.  I thought they were going to ask us to break up.  All along they had not been happy, and they had discussed this with David on numerous occasions without my presence - and were finally telling me now they were getting desperate.

My 'new' family.....

There were reasons for this - the ones that stick out from memory are:

• David is a soft young man, very reserved and quiet
• You are a strong young woman.  (maybe too strong for him)
• David is not displaying proper discipline at home with chores and other required things
• You appear to have a problem with submitting to authority
• Are we sure that we have been led into this relationship?

Some of these are likely to be very valid reasons for their reservations.  All I could do was sit and cry.  It seemed they had seen people in times past, feel like a particular person was "the one" - only to be wrong.  In the particular example - three times. This lady had bossed around her husband(s) and told them what she was saying was right etc etc.  I was "very similar" to this particular woman, and therefore, I was put into the same box as she.

I was devastated.  I felt so misunderstood.  I felt like I had not even been given a chance because I was put in some box before they even gave me a chance.  Their observations were based on what they saw - not on my story, my life experience or any such matters.

We were allowed to stay together and work towards a resolution.

I had a long, very hard think about the whole situation.  I thought about how we had conducted our relationship, and how it would feel as a parent - not even knowing your own son was going to propose.  I felt wronged, but knew that I had a part in working it out.

I plucked up a LARGE amount of courage, and asked my MIL out for lunch.  There, through tears, I apologised.  I said sorry - mainly - for not honouring them in our relationship like we should have.  I went on to explain how I had felt when they told me they were not happy.  That I felt I was not "good enough" for them - and how painful this experience was.  We had a big talk about submission as a Christian wife - and for the first time, discovered we actually thought the same about many things.

We also (with their blessing) undertook an excellent pre-marriage course.  2 1/2 months after we were engaged, we received his parents full and total blessing to get married.  (I cried some more). We set a date, and on rolled the plans.

6/10/2007 we got married.  This was not the end of the journey.

Within our first week home, my new parents-in-law visited our home, unannounced, 4 nights.  This was usually to 'deliver mail'. 

My new husband went to borrow some tools from his dad, and came home upset - because there was an argument about finances and an investment opportunity he had briefly (and unwisely) mentioned to me at their house.  This had ended in both being hot under the collar with each other.

On another occasion, there was another argument of some sort (I can't remember what over) between them.

My MIL would agree, that of all her children Dave was the one who 'talked' to her.  He now had this new woman whom he shared EVERYTHING with, and no longer shared much of importance with his mum.  In an attempt to "communicate" with him, she had gone into territory that was ours.


What a difficult journey for a mum - to pour into their child for 20 odd years, and then have to let them completely go to some other woman.  No wonder this MIL/DIL thing is so tricky.

Being a confident (and sometimes fiesty) young lass, this "stepping into our business" really rubbed me up the wrong way.  I was hot under the collar myself and ready to step in with a piece of my mind.  But I held my breath.

Holding your breath as a daughter in law is one of the greatest and most difficult assets you can have.

I had just read a book - "The Mother in Law Dance" - and it was excellent in getting me to think about how my MIL was feeling in this whole matter.  She was learning how to be a MIL.  I was learning how to be a DIL.

I had another long, hard think.

And suddenly I realised the fears and apprehensions that my MIL was feeling in relation to us.  She was trying to hold on for dear life to her son - for fear of us not having anything much to do with her as life went on.  Based on her experiences - in my opinion, this was a fair enough response.

What did I do?

I wrote a long, detailed letter to my MIL.  I thanked her for the amazing job she did raising her son.  I told her that his qualities were a credit to her.  I honoured her for the sacrifices she had made to raise him.  I told her that he would ALWAYS be her son, and that I was not here to "STEAL" him from her (I actually said that).  I also told her that I longed to have a good relationship with her in the years to come.  I honoured her as the future grandmother of my children - and told her that I needed her help to raise them.  I made a commitment to her.

What happened?

I received a card and a note as a reply.  In it, were the short, but very powerful words "welcome to the family".

How is it now?

Now I am not saying that it has always been plain sailing since then.  But her and I do have a relationship that is unlike many other MIL/DIL relationships I know.  It is one of honour - to whom honour is owed.  She deserves honour - for who she is and has been for my husband.  And even more, now, who she is for me.

We talk through mishaps.  We can be honest with each other - without feeling judged.

In the last few years there have been apologies, and open communication about this whole experience.  They have even told me how pleased and how perfect I am for their son - and how much of a blessing I am to them.

Their 'soft' son - is actually one of the strongest, most stubborn people I know - in a quiet way. In our marriage - he has gone from being shy, quiet and reserved - to almost the opposite.  He is still an introvert by nature - but in his words "shyness is a curse" and he longs to influence people.  When you get him going - he talks more than I do.  It's not too hard to get him started.  He enjoys being up the front - when I married him, he faded into the background.

never before seen pic - I felt like he was posing to pee on my head...

Tips and random things to glean from my experience:

Guys:

1. always side with your wife
2. always stand up for your wife
3. don't bring up or even mention personal issues in front of your parents - finances/parenting etc.
4. CALL your MUM!  It is ok to do this every now and again - don't leave it up to your wife to manage your relationship with your mum.
5. Love your mother and honour her - but put boundaries in place if need be.

Ladies:

1. Truly honour your MIL for raising your husband.  Even if you don't think she did a good job - she still gave birth to the guy, whom you now love.
2. Decide you want to have a good relationship with your MIL.
3. Make an effort to let her be a critical part of your children's lives - they will love you for it (and so will she)
4. Talk to her - she is a woman - she has raised children and has had many experiences that can help you.
5. Hold your breath (refer above ^^)
6. She is not trying or meaning to offend you
7. Read good books on the matter if it's a struggle.
8. Speak with your husband if things are a bit much, and have him put the boundaries in place.

One day, I might just do a tips for mum-in-laws - but I'm not one, so don't feel qualified for that just yet.  ;-)

x