Hello and other ramblings...

Hello again! Wow, its been a REALLY long time since I last wrote anything on here. Life has got away in me a bit these last, well 7 months. I've been pregnant and had a baby in that time even. It feels so long that in fact, I dont know where to begin. This year has been laced with challenge to challenge, its been hard for many around us, and hard for us. And as I sit here, reclined, my feet up in a lazyboy,the sun tearing through the window of Room 2, NICU, Auckland City Hospital... holding my 2 week old baby who is really only 31 weeks old, I just ponder life a bit... This year has been good. Laced with difficulty, but good. When I look at the people around me that have faced trials, challenges and depths of pain, I see a maturity that has risen to the occasion and carried on. There are great wells of tears that have been sown into the ground, a ground found ferftile for growth, because it has been dug,turned over, fertilised by the revelations and depths found in trials since gone by, but mostly, because the people have known where to cling when everything else is shaking. You can rise to the occasion when you know the One who carries you through and has seen the end from the beginning. Sure, its hard, and in the hard moments it doesnt change that sometimes we want to stay in bed in the morning, lie down flat and not get up anymore, forgetC our responsibilities and run away, or just plain break. We want to, but mostly, we get up, we face the day, we carry on for the light of a better day glimmers through a tiny crack in the door. I could write the story of my son's birth, little Ezekiel David, all 3lbs of him, and I will, but I'll save it for anothet day. For today, I just want to say, rise up. Get up again and face the world. Shake off the weight of heaviness that tries to swallow you up and find your garment of praise- the 9n that He designed specially for you. The one that looks at the rain, but sres the rainbow. What you fix your eyes on is what you get. The rain is the trial, the challenge, the pain... the rainbow is the promise that holds your feet firm. You actually can choose how you face the day, how you handle the trial, how you cone out theother side. If you find yourself facing the same thing, with the same attitude and the same heaviness repeatedly, I'd examine closely the choices you're making in facing the challenge. Where are your eyes fixed? What does that look like? Is it the right perspective or have you bought into a lie... People often say, why has God allowed this to happen? Why am I in this place? Where is He in this? Dumb stuff happens because we live an imperfect life... whether its from our own choices or actions, that of another or whether its just something we've been thrown with no one to pount at... it doesnt matter. What we do when we question Him, is we questiin His integrity. We question His love. We ques tion His faithfulness, His goodness, His perfect Father heart. We question whether He's there at all... questions are ok for a moment, but they should lead us to a deeper encounter with Him, a deeper knowledge og His love and a deeper understanding that He IS all of those things (and so much more) in absolute perfect form, far too great for our minds and hearts to comprehend... but He REMAINS all of those things even in our trials... Perfect love, perfect faithfulness, perfect friendship, perfect Father, perfect in all f His ways toward us, all of the time. Afterall, He is the Only One who never changes...

I'm a foodie....

I'm a foodie.  There, I said it.

I love food.  I love choosing it, smelling it, touching it, slicing it, preparing it, baking it, frying it, cooking it, serving it, and most of all, eating it.  I LOVE the eating part.

But to be honest, I'm an addict.  That sounds hilariously funny, because we all need food to survive (obviously), but when you get down to the raw truth, I am addicted to food.  And coffee.

Not all food.  I can't openly proclaim that I am addicted to sprouts or vegetables or fruit or anything disgusting.  But I am definitely addicted to the good stuff.

I totally love preparing food, baking etc.  For others and for myself.  I love it too much.

I often get asked the question... like how do you go from

to

and, even more common - how do you look like

within a few months of having a baby.....  it doesn't really end.

My answer is usually hard work.  Because that's virtually the nuts and bolts of it.

The fact that I get asked nearly everywhere I go, nearly everyday, tells me that there are plenty of people out there who have the same problem as me.  As a society, we seem to classify addicts as people to who take drugs, or who smoke or have these habitual 'bad' problems that affect their health/wealth etc adversely.... well, I'm pretty sure obesity and too much extra weight can have adverse health problems too.

Most people I talk to want to know and seem to think I have some great level of self control.  And sometimes I do.  Most often, I don't.  I have a degree of self control for a season of time that I know will end.  And then my self control runs out.

Addict - to habituate or abandon (oneself) to something compulsively or obsessively.

So, that classifies eating when not hungry... or eating beyond full - as an addiction.  (as well as lots of other things I'm sure).

This has been a struggle for me lately.  When it is cold, raining, and I'm bored and feeling a bit sorry for myself - I eat.  That's how I got so large in the first place.  I ate when I was stressed and feeling emotional - to help me feel better.  So I'm back to square one and if I don't sort it out, it will get out of control.

But here is the raw truth to how I have got to where I am right now.... (where I am being a healthy weight for my height)

1) I admitted that I had a problem.  In fact, I am the problem.

2) I stopped blaming everything and everyone else for my situation.

3) I recognised that to change my life and my future, with God's help, only I could do that.  I could not change it for anyone else, not for my hubby, not for my kids, not for anyone else... for me.

4) I recognised that the problem was 'bigger than me' and that I needed HIS help EVERYDAY.

5) I saw what I was, and I saw that if I continued, I would not be able to run around with my children, to play with them like I wanted to, and that I couldn't give them the future I dreamed of.

6) I recognised the example I was setting for them

7) I decided to do it, and I did it.

I don't necessarily think there is any one way of achieving weight loss.  I have a method, and it works.  I know it would work for anyone, but not everyone can apply the same degree of dedication and restriction that I do in order to achieve results.  But I think, what it truly boils down to, is that when we see and recognise that it is me and my problem, we can actually deal with it if we want to.

I'm not going to look over my shoulder and hope that someone will come knocking on my door with an ounce  (or tonne) of motivation... for any area of my life.  Though accountability works, hence my straight up post.

I had to face huge emotional hurdles to be where I am today.  I had to face up to myself, to issues with other people that I had bottled up and locked away inside me.  To excuses I had to be how I was.  I had to replace my addiction to food with something else for the times when I felt sad/bored/lonely/whatever it may be.

I replaced it by 'being' with Jesus.  You might think I'm a freak.  And frankly, I don't care anymore.  Because I know He is alive and real and He is the only one who has the power to give us victory that lasts forever.

I am honest about life and my struggles.  That is how I am made to be.  That is how He made me to be.

When I 'be' with Him, the problems of life, what people say and do to me, the lonely feelings, the boredom and whatever else - well, it melts away.  It doesn't matter so much when I'm with Him.  And when I leave my 'being with' Him... they still don't matter so much...  I don't live a blissful life where problems are non-existant and I am not so thick skinned that what people say and do just wash off me...  in fact, I feel things incredibly deeply.  But I have learned to take those things to the only one who can wash them off me and make me new again.  And I have learned that by talking about them, and honestly communicating about them, I am made more free and others are given a taste of what can be available.

I am the first to admit - I do not have the victory over food that I want.... Yet.  I want to be at a place that when I am feeling low and bingey or craving, that I don't bake something and eat half of what I made for lunch.... instead of lunch.... or in addition to lunch.  Where I am satisfied by what I eat and I enjoy the extras.  Life is not made to not enjoy food.  I don't think that living a rigid life of plain, boring and healthy food forever and never letting a morsel of goodness pass the lips would work for many people... it certainly wouldn't for me.  I love chocolate, and sugar and all the good stuff.

But I'm in pursuit of a victory that leaves me satisfied.  That suddenly goes, hey, I'm feeling a bit low today - I'll go be with Jesus for a while and then I'll be ok.  

Or, I'll bake for my family, and I will be able to open the fridge or cupboard and not have to eat some of the baking every time.

I once heard someone say that being an overcomer is where in a battle, you win at least 51% of the time.  I think that's a good starting place to aim for.  That's where I'm going to aim.

So, today, instead of hiding from your battle, why don't you choose for yourself that you will 'opt in' to a life of freedom.  See, I want to be free.  I want to live in freedom so badly and not be swayed by all the earthly things.  Living from the perspective of heaven is so much better.

It means that we get just a bit real about life, about our battles and all that stuff.  We get real with ourselves, we get real with others, and most importantly, we get real with Jesus.  (who already knows ALL of your issues anyway).

Take your battle, and try 'being' with Him.  I promise you it will change your life.

xx